Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
