biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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