What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize