I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
wanna go halves on a baby?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
