Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
