He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
