i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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