My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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