either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
