porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
