I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
