I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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