At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
