well I can't set my house on fire every night
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
