She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize