This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
