I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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