i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
