I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
