One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
All I want is dick and wine.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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