fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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