Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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