I hate your face
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
