So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
