Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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