Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
