Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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