New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
3pm strippers are depressing
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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