Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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