your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
