YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize