$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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