You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
