You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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