My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
