I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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