I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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