I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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