Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
