someone threw a dead crab at me
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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