you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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