A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
