Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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