Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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