I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
