Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
