I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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