Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
