My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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