Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
