I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
