Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
