Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
my being single is dangerous.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
