idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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