If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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