Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
sarcasm needs its own font
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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